Good thoughts for a Monday

Occasionally you get a glimpse of someone’s life, even if only through pieces of conversation overheard.  From the words they use you can assume much.  I was standing in a queue; a man said that he had been shopping for a blanket box to store baby clothes in.  A woman replied ‘well if a trunk will do, we probably have one in the attics’.  The fact that they had a trunk, and then had attics (plural) gave the impression she lived in a large house, a grand house.  We don’t have attics, we have a loft (singular) and if anything is in our loft we know it’s there (no probably about it) and if it is there it could never be the size of a trunk as it wouldn’t fit through the miniscule opening.  And who has trunks these days?  

 

I am lucky enough to live in a country with too much food, with shelves overflowing with products out of season, yet here I am trying to lose weight, when there are others over there dying of hunger.  It’s an odd life.  So I try hard to discipline my eating, and try hard to send money to people who have less.  In this case I want to mention two such places – Watsi, which is a charity that provides means whereby the likes of you and I can pay for people to have operations they need, or medical care they need, or food for young babies.  And there’s Marys Meals, probably better known, but doing a most excellent job of keeping food going into villages where the children can’t get to school because of the Ebola outbreak.  

On the diet front – it has become so much harder since parting from the large support group, not sure why but it simply just has.  The excuses my body has kindly provided me with are ; well I am really tired, oh but it’s been an upsetting day, that was bad news, oh you’ve done so well, you didn’t gain any weight at all?  Why not celebrate.  Darn you body-voice, why do I listen?  But I am learning that this voice lies and is not my friend.  I am learning that I can be in control, and so we plough on. I think one of my greatest motivations has to be that I never thought I’d see again the weight I am now at, I didn’t think I could lose enough weight to get back down here.  Yes, there’s a long way to go, but hey I’ve come a long way too.

Conversation ends – this came from a film but I love it.  A guy leaps off of the bridge, deciding to end his life, and in the 5 seconds he has to fall he realises the only thing in his life he cannot change is the action he has just taken.

So, from another film – there’s always hope.

Now you see me.............

In recent days I have started my last ever diet.  This one is the final, life long, health giving, I made-it diet.  The other diets were simply pale practice runs.  I am determined, I have support, I know my time is running out to escape diabetes and this is IT.  

So, it has also made me look at what I am, and at who I am.  I know I am fat, am big, take up lots of space, require a sticker that states Heavy Load, but is this really me?  I have never thought so.  I have seen my size as a temporary state, a pause in between being healthy and healthy again.  It occurred to me that this temporary phase has lasted more than 15 years and I really ought to get to grips with it.  I never look in mirrors as I hate what I see.  I don’t like photos as that lump in the foreground surely isn’t me.  All this will change, but then who will I be?  I have identified myself for so long as big, and it has been an excuse for so long, what will I be left with?  The world in general shuts out the big person, makes it hard for us, but I have allowed this to happen.  I can’t do this, can’t do that, can’t go here, be expected to………. because I am big.  I have stayed meekly in my fat corner and not complained.  But here I come world; I am going to rejoin you. 

And the person I will be is the person I have always been, just without my wall, my defence, my excuse, by battlement.  

If I ruled I would make it a rule that every weight loss club leader should once have been very overweight.  I don’t care that they lost 2 stone ten years ago and now they can dress like Barbie and sip juice and eat berries at every wedding and party known to mankind.  I want a leader at the front, telling me how hard it is, telling me she gets it and she’s with me every giant step of the way.  I don’t want to know that 5 years ago my class leader stopped eating cheese and made friends with super-low-cal spread; I want to hear she craves cheese but finds ways to deal with it.  Come on Weight Watchers, get real.  Big people who get it are a better support than you can find anywhere in the world.  Invest in us.

I also want Fat Gym, where big people play rounders, and tennis, and netball, and the bikes are bigger with bigger saddles, and the trampolines take over 18stones in weight.  Then and only then will people who are obese truly join in and be equal. 

Oh, and the main difference from this Last Diet to all previous is I am going to enjoy the journey.  Even if I collapse in a sobbing exhausted heap in doing so!

With thanks to Katie of http://jesuisunemonstre.blogspot.co.uk/ for lending me the idea

What am I Reading

Currently I have two books on the go.  The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake by Aimee Bender, which is a tale of a young girl who begins to taste people’s emotions through the things they cook.  At the moment I am at the beginning, maybe three chapters in, but, as yet, it is not proving to be a book I can’t put down.  I can put it down, and leave it for several days, then I wander back to it.  We shall see.   The other book is The Dying Wish by Courttia Newland.  The story here follows a private detective as he tries to find an elusive underground business - that of aiding suicide.  Again, about three chapters in and I want to know more and more.  Characters met are described in detail and the plot is interesting and simple to follow, thus far.  The story is told in the first person.

What am I Feeling

I feel ok.  Alright.  In fact often fine and many times happy.    

 

What am I Listening to

Often, at this time of the day, I listen to Classic FM, but today all I hear is the church bells ringing, the cars outside, the cries of children and a dog, far in the distance, barking.

What am I Creating

Hope.  I hope I get to pass the Foster Panel.  I hope I get to go to America.  I hope I learn to diet in a healthy way.  I hope to be able to juggle all the bills this month so everyone is paid and everyone is happy and I have enough left to put aside for America.

What do I Want

In the past week I have seen an amazing film, held a new born baby, chatted, laughed, eaten well, slept well, learnt interesting things, met interesting people, tried to protect a teen from being beaten at a train station, watched an amazing glory of a sunset, stepped into the sunlight on a warm Spring morning, looked at stunning artwork, laughed more.  I want more days such as these.

Of what do I Ponder

When.  I always like to gather facts; maybe it’s a control issue.  I like to know what and where and why and when.  How soon.  Why not sooner.  I like to live in the day, but within that day there is a part of me reaching for tomorrow, and always a part of me glancing back at the past.  I never mind knowing the end of films, it doesn’t take away any enjoyment of the picture or story.  And I would be fine to have life like that.  This is what happens when.  Hmmm but then I'd probably try and change it all, rearrange it and cut and paste it.   

 

To those whom much is given, much is expected

Sometimes things are not what you expect.  Fact.

As a child I had a vision of myself as an adult;

1.   I would be married

a.    Well, I was for many years, but then divorced, a thing I never expected

2.   I would have six children

a.    I have two

3.   When my children grew up we all live close to each other and they’d come for lunch every Sunday and tea in the week and we’d see each other all the time, and, of course, the house would be teeming with grandchildren

a.    My daughter currently lives in America, a country my son has ambitions to live in also.  Never saw that coming.  No grandchildren at present.

4.   If I worked at all it was going to be as a teacher, either that or I would own a bakery and give cookery lessons

a.    Currently I sit at a desk and type and press buttons.  Never did own that bakery

5.   I was going to be slim

a.    Ha!

So, I did get married, and then divorced, but after many years and in that time we created many memories and a family that we both adore. And yes, I only had two children, but of the original six I planned, these are, by far, my favourite two.  My daughter is happy in America and is having a great adventure; my son travels the world and is living a great life, to see this I gladly give up those Sunday roasts and Wednesday night TV.  

I never did own a bakery but confess to spending many happy moments in them, and purchasing many delightful products from them.  When I was teaching it was such fun, and an amazing gift to have been given – to spend time with young minds and show them what they are capable of.  Cookery lessons?  The best cookery lesson I ever taught was teaching my little ones to make biscuits, on a rainy day, in a warm kitchen.

Slim?  Ha!  Who needs slim. I recently spent a day with people just like me; people who were also not slim, and people who wanted to know, like me, why not.  What had happened to us?  How could we get out of the body wall we had built for whatever reason?  We talked all day about food, and diets, and weight and size issues.  Yet not for one moment was there any judgement, not even a little.  Not for one moment did we feel bad or sad to be ourselves.  As we all accepted the outsides of each other, we clearly saw the insides, the person, the true person, at the heart, and we liked what we saw.  It was a day full of laughter, a true good for the soul day.  Who knew a day about diets could be such fun!

Life is not always what we expect and I, for one, am so grateful for that, for I think life has taken me down many paths that I would otherwise have avoided and the unexpected has sometimes been the best news of the day.

At the end of the road where I work there is a pub.  For several months it was ‘undergoing changes’.  Then, one Monday a sign appeared; ‘New Kitchen.  New Chef.  Now Serving Food!’  On the Wednesday a new sign appeared.  ‘Chefs wanted’         

                                                Unexpected.