Tick Tock

If truth be told (a phrase that exists so that the sayer can say something harsher than they wish it to be, but beg forgiveness on the claim to honesty) If truth be told I am a large person, I take up a higher percentage of space than many others, I abosrb more plantary useage of land allowance than some it has to be said.  In ancient times I would be revered, carvings found at the time of the mammoth were never of slim beings, always huge round ones.  Therefore I am the right size for the wrong era.

In my dreams I am slim, I even place a mirror now and then in a dream, and part way through the action I stop, gaze at myself in some suprise and marvel at the fact I am really quite slim.  The action continues, the dream ends, I awake and there I am - as large as ever I was.

Does it matter?  Well, for most of the time I have been large - yes.  Mostly to other people.  People who express concern for my health, people who stare, or mock, or comment.  The most honest comment I ever received was from a young child who looked at me and simply announced 'You're fat'.  The less than honest response from his less than appealing parents was a less than hidden giggle.  But, armed with my newly discovered knowledge gleaned from this most observant family, I proceeeded to the restaurant where I ate what I wanted to.  With relish.  Because then I didnt care.  I am quite comfortable, I said, I thought, I felt, in my body.  If you dont like -  dont look.

And now.  It has seeped into my mind that my weight has been a barrier against what I feared - the views and contact of others, and a barrier against what I want - to live life as fully as I can.  And I say this with a sigh.   Sigh.   For the moment I start to mind I have to take action.  Oh, do not be fooled into thinking I have not actioned before.  I am a venerable expert of diets, diet clubs, diet foods, diet drinks, my life has been awash with calories since my last child was born and I found most of the baby weight was, in fact, now my weight.  I can reel off whole sections of diet books, and enter many a consideration on the difficulties of Atkins if you dont eat meat.  BUT I remain determindly overweight.  Every weight loss minor has resulted in a weight gain major.  Ah the wisdom of the yo-yo diet when it is 20 years too late.

A friend once said to me - of giving up smoking - 'I realised most of the time I tried to give up I was just a smoker who wasnt smoking at that time, I had to actually become a non-smoker'

And this is it.  I have to become a non-comfort eater.  I have to become one who exercises.  I have to become less of a physical person in order to enjoy being a person at all.

What can we do but try?  Well, we could succeed.